Beau Joli, living life creatively the next 365 days

365 Days of Creativity

Two days ago I made a commitment, (to myself) to live a more creative life. As a woman of a certain age....life was beginning to look a little short. In other words "Life is Short" had a very real meaning. If you knew me, or know me, you would probably think I have already been living life creatively and you would be right. I have always danced to the rhythm of a different drum, and for the most part, happily so. The problem was, while I danced to that drummer's song, others would look and wonder why I wasn't like everyone else, while I would think, why would I want to be? They didn't look like they were having all that much fun.

I danced away, having a wonderful time, until one day one persons criticism really hit a nerve. I had been working at a series of jobs, (none seemed to really fit me) and was currently unemployed, which of course causes havoc with one's income. While I was floundering trying to find my way, I began dodging arrows from a more grounded person, who was working very hard at a job he had had for his entire lifetime. The comment.... You do what you always do, while I work. Oh...the shame. All of a sudden I realised my being me was making life difficult for another. He was right, of course, I was, as usual, being me.

In that one moment my world completely tilted, and that tilt really screwed up my view for a very long time. The rose colored glasses I had worn all my life snapped in two, and I suddenly saw the world in a whole new light. It wasn't pretty and I determined from that moment on to live like it seemed everyone else was living. In the end I was right, it wasn't very much fun.

I got a regular job, that paid well, (a big change for me) and worked it like there was no tomorrow. The universe has a sense of humor too, because the job I got couldn't have been more grounded or worse for who I really was.

Each day became a grueling attempt at fitting in, being normal and really not being who I really am, doing what I really do. Now I could see why so many people are on antidepressants. However, in the process of hitting the ground hard and living through it, I began to see this as an opportunity and this is why.

One day while getting ready for work I was showering and thinking life just wasn't worth it. My relationship with my critic was awful, my feelings about my job was awful, and nothing seemed to make me happy anymore. I used to be able to create beautiful decor for myself and others, now I could barely notice color let alone get creative with it. I thought for one tiny instant, what would happen if I just wasn't here anymore... and then shook with the idea that that had even popped into my head. I knew I was in big trouble. I called my best friend and admitted with chagrin what happened. She was instantly concerned and wanted me to promise I would go to the doctor and get a prescription for antidepressants. I refused and this is why.

There were serious reasons why my life wasn't working and a pill might cover up how I felt about it, but it wouldn't fix it. The problem, and the reason I felt like I did, would still be there lodged like a bullet in my heart . That wound was finally becoming fatal. Deep down I knew that some little pill might mask the symptoms I was feeling, but it wouldn't heal the heart. It wouldn't take care of what the real problem was. I was not being my own true self.

For the next few weeks I continued to work, but did my work methodically, to the best of my ability, all the while I thought continuously about what had gone so wrong. I thought and thought and thought. I came to some very good conclusions. Yes I had always done what I always do, (that sounds wrong, but it's true) and for the most part I didn't regret it, what I finally understood was that I needed to take it to the next level. I had to find what I was good at and make a living at it, with a twist, I needed to make a serious commitment to it, hang on to the very end and along the way enjoy the ride. I became convinced that this was the way to make what I DO work and hopefully not make anyone else miserable along the way.

One thing was clear, I could no longer ignore the vast emptiness of my heart, it was now or never, time to live the life I knew I could live. This life would be lived with creativity, joy and happiness. And that's what this blog is all about. I decided to take the next 365 days and live creatively. The goal.... to create a business that would support me, be a blessing to others, and add beauty to my life and beauty to the lives of those I come in contact with and I wanted to do that without harming or hurting anyone in the process. I wanted to make the lives of others that have any connection with me to be better during the following year.

Can I do it... I believe I can.
Beau Joli